Kissing and Dating

Colossians 1:21-23

COL-178

We are studying Colossians 1:21-23. Our subject is "Reconciliation of the Colossians," segment number 23.

The Colossian Christians, we have seen, have been qualified for heaven by the Lord Jesus Christ Who reconciled them to God's standard of absolute righteousness. With the imputation of absolute righteousness to them, the believers have been justified before God. Consequently, these Colossian Christians, in God's sight, are as perfect as Jesus Christ morally. They are free from all moral guilt because of their justification. All sins have been forgiven in addition. So, the believers are free now to enter heaven where they will be presented to the Father as the holy ones, or as the Bible often translates: "the saints" of God. Personal holiness, we have seen, is the quality of sanctification, or of setting apart to God in the eternal destiny, and also in one's daily life. And that's the real goal and the good of life. Being sanctified, not only to a destiny in heaven, but being sanctified in your daily life – that is where the good life lies.

The Scriptures indicated to us, in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8, that a major expression of a Christian's sanctification is in his sexual integrity. In this passage, we have seen three qualities which constitute sexual sanctification – set apart to God in that aspect of our lives. Verse 3 said, "Abstain from sexual immorality." This means all sex outside of marriage. This is very simple. This is not complex. This is not something deep. This is the law of God. No matter what people do, and no matter what you may be tricked into doing because you play the fool, this is the law of God. And there are consequences if you obey, and consequences if you don't.

What this also includes this law is forbidding all sexual perversions which are condemned in Scripture. Satan and His worldlings totally reject this law of God. And you must understand that. They consider that people are weird who don't think that they can play around with sex outside of marriage. This is the law of God. But the world does not accept this principle. They excuse it, and they justify it.

Verses 4-5 indicated the second law – to maintain your body sexually holy, and thus with honor. The Christian's body, the Bible tells us, is the temple of the Holy Spirit, so it is to be set apart for Him as a holy place. Now the world thinks that that's crazy. They think that's some kind of mystical hocus pocus – that the Spirit of God indwells us, and therefore we treat the Christian's body as the temple of the Spirit of God. Christians whose bodies are set apart to the Holy Spirit, reject the sensual lust pattern of the sin nature which is practiced by the unsaved. That's the point. And why do they do that? This passage says that they don't know God. So, if you don't know God, you will not treat your body with the respect that it deserves as a dwelling place of Almighty God. What this says is that you do not dishonor God, your Father, as a member of His family by compromising the holiness of your body. You just don't dishonor and disgrace God, your father.

Verse 6 indicated that we are not to defraud other people. And that word means that we are not to bestir sexual desires in another which you cannot satisfy because you're not married to that person. If you do satisfy it, you do it in a sinful way. Physical contact and caressing is designed by God to arouse sexual desire between husband and wife. And the chemistry flows. Defrauding one whom you cannot rightly righteously satisfy is a violation of sexual sanctification. And it is judged by God.

Defraud

You also had this same word in 2 Corinthians 7:2: "Make room for us in your hearts. We wronged no one. We corrupted no one. We took advantage of no one. This is the apostle Paul who is dealing with the Corinthians, who have had nothing but contempt for him, and who have abused him, and treated him in a disrespectful way. And he says to them, "Make room in our hearts. That's the right thing to do. We didn't do you any wrong. Why do you separate yourself from us? We gave you nothing but the good things of the Word of God. We did you no wrong. And what we gave you did not corrupt you. It ennobled you. So, why would you want to have nothing to do with us?" And then he says, "We never 'pleonekteo' you." We never took advantage of anyone.

Now, when you arouse a person's sexual desires, which then you leave hanging and turning in the wind, because you cannot properly, before God, satisfy them, you've taken advantage of them. You're back to the old making out; the old necking; and, the old having fun at someone else's enormous emotional expense. This is using someone as a sensual plaything to be cast off and left behind for another toy. Now, this is the reason that you do not let people toy with your emotional life at the sensual level. And you don't make the contacts that trigger those things. This verse in 1 Thessalonians 4:6 is very clear. You do not transgress the moral code of God. And you do not do that which causes you to take advantage of someone in the matter, because the Lord is going to avenge, if you do this, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you.

Now Paul is coming down hard on this because Christians are to be a sanctified lot. They're having a terrible time of this in Corinth. It was a very sinful, evil city. Therefore, some of these people were coming out of this vile culture and having a hard time, as Christians, now shifting gears. And it's significant that one of the things he says in sexual purity is that you don't trigger what you cannot satisfy.

Called to Sanctification

Godlike

So, when we tell you not to trigger things that require satisfaction that you might be tempted to play outside of the confines of marriage, we're talking about the hogwash of the pigsty, and what you may count on for sure. If you play this game, violating the rules of God, only one of two things will happen. The person that's trying to defraud you into playing this game will change, and go for sanctification, or else you will change, and go for hogwash. Unless you walk away from that person, and unless you put distance between you, one of the two will happen. And you'll go deeper into the slime, until finally you'll find you're going to walk a very lonely road. This has enormous implications in your life.

Rejecting God

Anyone that suggests to you that this is not the way it has to be, is somebody that you should consider a very dangerous person. Sanctification – And remember that we started with the fact that, as a Christian, you will be brought into God's throne room in heaven. And there you will be presented as one who is holy, and as one who stands in the perfection of Christ. In the meantime, you are expected to act accordingly – to act according to your status in Christ: to maintain your personal sanctification.

The world has no use for that. And to associate with worldlings is to associate with those who are the enemies of God. If you go along with the world, then whose side are you on? It's obvious that you've taken the side of Satan.

Kissing

Now, this brings us to the fact that one of the primary methods of personal and sensual potential contact is the kiss. And we must recognize that the Bible has a great deal to say about kissing. And, in fact, it is commended between believers, in certain circumstances. It was common in New Testament culture, to give you some isagogics (some background), to greet family and friends with a kiss on the cheek. There was nothing unusual about that. That's done in some parts of the world today. This was a mark of the family unity of believers in the Lord Jesus Christ in the church body, because this same custom was practiced in the local churches. A kiss between believers was to show the absence of hypocrisy, of prejudice from social distinctions, because some were masters and some were slaves, and of contempt for the poor or partiality toward those who were well-off. It was an expression of the common ground at the foot of the cross in Christ.

In the New Testament church, it seems evident (we have no indication otherwise) than that this kiss (this holy kiss) was exchanged between men and women. But by the end of the second century, it began to be limited to one's own gender. And by the middle or so of the third century, it was discontinued. By the fourth century, the separation extended to clergy and laity in exchanging a kiss of greeting. So, gradually this fell into disuse. But we have to look at this in the context of the New Testament church.

Well, there, on several occasions, the apostle Paul comes to the end of his letters, and he commends the holy kiss. The Greek word for "kiss" is "philema." This word signified the touch of the lips on a person or an object. The touch of the lips on a person or an object was a "philema." This connoted friendship, affection, reverence, and esteem. Along with it in Scripture is the word "holy" ("hagios"). This is the word, we have learned, that indicates separation from relative righteousness and unsatisfied justice, to absolute righteousness and the justice of God satisfied. So, it's the separation from the wrong to the right.

The Holy Kiss

Now, the holy kiss in Scripture, therefore, is an appropriate Godlike kiss. It is not the romantic sensual kiss which also is described in Scripture. We have an example in Song of Solomon 1:2. The Song of Solomon is a manual on marital love. It is so very clear and very explicit in its directives, and so very helpful that the Jews, in times past, wouldn't allow the young men to read it until they were married. But Song of Solomon 1:2 says, "May he (the lover of Solomon) kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. For your love is better than wine. Your oils have a pleasing fragrance. Your hand is like purified oil. Therefore, the maidens love you."

Now, this kind of kiss is referring to the kind of kiss between married people. This is a romantic, sensual kiss. This is also in Song of Solomon 8:1: "Oh that you were like a brother to me, who nursed at my mother's breast." Then the rest of the verse says: "If I found you outdoor, I would kiss you. No one would despise me. I'd be happy to kiss you as a small child."

Sometimes there is the seductive kiss of the harlot. Proverbs 7:13 describes that one: "So, she seizes him and kisses him. And with a brazen face, she says to him, etc." And she propositions him. This is the seductive kiss.

Now, the holy kiss does not fall into either of these categories. There is nothing wrong with the sensual romantic kiss, and there is a great deal wrong, of course, with the kiss to bestir passion. The holy kiss is separated from sin nature passion to a mental attitude love expression. The holy kiss is one separated from any motivation which is inconsistent with the calling of a believer as a saint.

Here's where this phrase is used. First of all, it is used in Romans 16:16. The apostle come to the end of this letter, and he touches upon the fellowship, camaraderie, expression between believers: "Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you."

In 1 Corinthians 16:20, he comes to the end of this book, and he says, "All the brethren greet you. Greet one another with a holy kiss."

2 Corinthians 13:12: "Greet one another with a holy kiss."

1 Thessalonians 5:26: "Greet all the brethren with a holy kiss." The issue is a holy kiss. That's what separates it from the ordinary kiss.

1 Peter 5:14 defines it even more precisely – the kind of kissing which is legitimate between brethren in Christ: "Greet one another with a kiss of love." There you have the Greek word "agape," which means mental attitude goodwill. It is a kiss which is not degrading. It is a kiss, which is a true expression of a Godlike response on the part of one believer to another. This is the kind of thing that the Word of God recognizes and respects as a legitimate relationship between Christians. In our custom now, in Western culture, the handshake has replaced that. But the kind of kissing that is romantic is not the kind that is legitimatized here.

Now we come into the problem of people who are associating with one another – young men with young women. And the kissing is not a holy kiss, but it is a romantic and sensual kiss. That is what is out of bounds. You mean for somebody that I want to get married to? Yes, it's out of bounds. You mean not that sensual, romantic kissing on the lips with the girl is going to be my wife? Yes, that's out of bounds. You can do it if you want to. But it is something that is reserved by God to trigger chemical differences, and to trigger reactions, that now require marriage to follow through to the satisfaction that will be triggered.

You may have thought it odd in wedding ceremonies, at the beginning, you usually say, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" And you may not have thought really how significant that is. The father usually stands there and says, "I do: her father." And what he is saying is this young woman, born into my home, has been by divine arrangement under my authority up to this point. She will always, by God's arrangements, since she is a woman, be under some man's authority. She will be under her father's authority until that point where he said, "I do," and he hands her off to this husband. Now she will be under his authority for the rest of her life.

I won't get into what happens if you don't have a father for one reason or another. Then it falls back upon the mother, or it falls back upon the congregation and the pastor-teacher to have to reinforce that.

However, then later in the ceremony, at the end, after the official pronounces them: "By the authority vested in me by the state, as husband and wife," he says, "You may now kiss your bride." And some people say, "Are you giving him permission to kiss her? What does that mean? Why is that in the ceremony?" Because, from a biblical point of view, that kind of kissing is the kissing of a romantic kiss, and it is the kind of kiss that should have been out of bounds until that point.

In one marriage ceremony, it was interesting that the pastor said, "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a husband and wife here, and they are about to do something that they have never done before in their life. You may kiss your bride." And for the first time, there was that romantic kiss on the lips, and the fireworks went off.

That's the difference. Until you're married, you're playing on very dangerous ground to be kissing in that kind of a way that triggers physical desires. Now, who's going to know that? How is your daughter going to know that? How is your son going to know that? They're not going to learn it at school? They're not going to learn it from their peers. They're as ignorant and corrupted as anybody else. They're going to have to learn it, because when they were beginners, you explain that to them. Daddy is your authority. He's going to take care of you. He's going to guide you. He's going to protect you. Then someday he's going to give you to a man who will be your husband, and he will start guiding you; protecting you; caring for you; and, providing for you. And this is the way God is going to give you a very fruitful, happy, and significant life. And all your abilities and all the potential that you have is going to come to full fruition. The devil is not going to get his hands on you.

Therefore, when some girl comes along, and she finds herself in a position where somebody wants to play touchy-feely with her, first she will gently push him off. You always want to be nice and courteous and respectful. But if he persists, you will say to him, "I am an American beauty rose. And if you keep playing touchy feely, you're going to feel my thorns in your pinkies." Well, he probably won't want to have anything more to do with you. And you'll be the better off for it, because a respectful man does not play touchy-feely with a woman that he has some esteem for.

A holy kiss – yes, it's a legitimate fact between Christians, and it was practiced in the New Testament church between men and women; between men and men; and, between women and women.

There's another word for "kissing" in the Bible that I want to introduce you to: to kiss. This is the verb. It's "kataphileo." You see the same word "kiss" here, but now you've got a preposition added which intensifies this word. What this word means is "to kiss a lot" – to kiss again and again. This word is used three times in the New Testament (repetitious kissing).

In Luke 7:38, Jesus is invited to a dinner in the home of this Pharisee: "Standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet, and anointing them with the perfume." This was an honorable kiss, and it was repeatedly done as an expression of affection, and probably gratitude to the Lord Jesus Christ by this woman. She was probably a woman of disrepute. That was known. In fact, the Pharisees wondered why Jesus, if He was all that holy, would let this gal touch Him. Then Jesus took to task Simon. Verse 45: "Saying to Simon, 'When I came in, you gave me no kiss.'" And there He used our other word for "kiss:" "philema" – the same kiss that is used with the holy kiss. It was the normal greeting of the day. He says, "You didn't even greet Me. You didn't even act courteously told Me. But she, since I came in, has not ceased to repeatedly kiss ("kataphileo") My feet in appreciation." Then Jesus goes on and says, "She knows how much she's been forgiven, and how great a salvation she has received, but you don't, because you think you're pretty good. So, you're not overwhelmed with the sense of devotion to Me.

The second time it's used (kissing repeatedly) is in Luke 15:20. This is the case of the prodigal son. The son comes up, and the father comes to him: "And he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him, and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him, and kissed him." This word "kataphileo" is used. The Father kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him – repeatedly. This was an expression of gratitude to God for this boy who had come back to his senses.

The third time is pretty shocking, in Matthew 26:49, in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus is about to be betrayed by Judas. And Judas walks up to Jesus: "And immediately he went to Jesus and said, 'Hail, Rabbi,' and kissed Him." This was not a peck on the cheek. He kissed him several times, because it uses this word: he repeatedly kissed Him; and, repeatedly kissed Him. Now, that shows how gross was the evil that Judas was perpetrating at that moment such that he would kiss Jesus as if he was just so glad to see Him, and with such warmth and depth of affection. But it was all fake – as kissing, which is not a holy kiss, always is.

Mark 14:45 also records the same incident.

So, as I said, in modern Western culture (let's put this in perspective), the holy kiss among believers is a handshake expressing the right hand of Christian fellowship, or it might be a friendly embrace. The holy kiss, however, is not improper, but it is certainly not to be imposed upon others. You don't initiate this without some consideration and thought. The holy kiss on the part of men to the opposite sex depends upon age, and upon position, and upon relationship, and certainly upon invitation – the lady's prerogative. And if they seek to embrace you, and to kiss you, then you may respond. But you don't initiate that in our culture.

The practice of sensual, romantic kissing is thus totally out of the picture, and is simply reserved by God for marriage.

Dating

Dating is for Mating

The principle to remember is the one that I have repeated to you many times. Dating is for mating. Therefore, you don't enter into dating somebody unless you want to marry that person. Up to that point, you're engaged in freedom activities of one kind or another that you may associate with. Then, you have found this person, and this person is someone that I would like to spend my life with. And then you enter that courtship stating, where you have passed friendship, and gone to dating. People date people that they're not friends with at all. It is always significant when somebody says, "Yes, my husband (or my wife) loves me deeply." But as my daughter once said, "My husband is also my friend." And if you pass the friendship stage, and go right into dating stage, you're asking for a lot of trouble.

Therefore, girls and young men should not enter solo relationships if they're not ready to consider marrying that person. Girls and young women should preserve their royal sanctification by refusing to be pawed over by some lout. You do not let yourself be touched. And dating is something that automatically people think that that's what you do.

Now, even when you have an older daughter, and somebody wants to date her, fathers have to remember who they are. You're the authority. You tell these people: "You don't touch her – hands off. And there's no affection to exchange. And be home at 10:00." People say, "Gee, in 1998?" Yeah. Do you see what I mean – that you start at the beginner age? If you let your youngster be contaminated by the world system, boy, is it going to be hard to pull the reins!

Also, you don't marry a twit, if you protect yourself from the sexual contact that triggers desires. You want to you want to marry a man with gravitas (dignity) – dignity and his royal position as a man of God. If you don't have that, and you have to take time to get acquainted with a person, then you want to avoid him. You don't want to go any further.

An unsaved man or woman is off limits in marriage, of course, to the sanctified believer. So, you don't even start down that road. For many Christians, sometimes this is the first step to an unhappy consequence because they violate 1 Corinthians 7:39: "A wife is bound as long as her husband lives. But if her husband is dead, she is free to be married (speaking of a Christian woman) to whom she wishes only in the Lord." Therefore, Scripture makes it clear that you don't marry an unbeliever. So, you tell me: why would you date an unbeliever? Why would you go out with an unbeliever? Why would you get socially involved with an unbeliever? Here's the danger. You get acclimated to that person, and then you might get overwhelmed because you allow him the touchy-feely that triggers things in you, and you go with his way. If he's an unbeliever, he's an enemy of God. If he's an enemy of God, he is your enemy. Why would you take someone who is your enemy to your bosom? Because you've lost your way. You've lost your orientation. And you've lost your orientation, because of sensual contacts which should never have been permitted.

Therefore, parents are responsible not to allow their sons and daughters to make decisions of their sole associations. They're not equipped with the maturity to handle it, and especially when they're at high school level, swirling in all of the things that surround them there. Yet, kids run home and say, "Here, I'm going to do this tonight." The parent should say, "Wait a minute. You didn't ask your father. You didn't clear it with him that you could do this." And the kids are announcing to the parents what they're going to do. And the parents are allowing their high school kids to get out of their sight and out of their control. And an automobile is all they need.

I've noticed that some parents would allow their sons to sacrifice anything in their relationship with God, so they can have a car. They have to have a job. And they cannot be present for Christian service: "Hey, go for the job. The car is what they need." And Christian service goes out the door. And you want them to act like men have gravitas (dignity) – like the men of God that you'd like to see them be, when all you've done is taught them how they don't have to be that?

The father is the authority. He is the authority of approval. And in his judgment, he cannot abdicate this role. And he cannot, and he should not, just flow with the world system in his lines of authority. His children are worth it, and he should exercise it. And if he does not, that's a problem. If there is no father, then the mother has to take over. But don't leave behind you a trail of discarded steadies that you've been going with. It's dishonorable; it's ungodly; and, it's dangerous, because you might marry one of those discards before you discarded him. You just might marry one of those. That's why you don't go through life finding someone in marriage by dating. That's the wrong approach. Do you date? Yes, after you have passed the friendship stage, and you have parental approval, you now enter a stage where now you're free to be more involved with one another without other people about you. But that is something that has to be handled with a great deal of capacity and care. And who's going to do that? The father.

If you have a worldly father, or one who's out of touch with the things of God, then a godly mother has to carry that burden. But you do not let the kids make their own decision, or they will not have the dignity that they deserve.

A holy kiss, with all that it connotes, and sensual contact according to biblical standards, is God's way for maximum blessing. And it affects your whole eternity. Therefore, play the game God's way. That's the only way to be a winner. Otherwise, Satan is there as a roaring lion, ready to pounce.

Some girls are always afraid that nobody will ever care for them if they don't play the game the world's way. If God has a person for you to marry, that's the one right person, and you will meet him. I don't care if you're in the middle of the Gulf War, and there is your one and only, serving gas to the tanks, and you drive up in your little four-on-the-floor car, and you pull up, and you look at his eyes, and he looks at yours, and you lock on, and you say, "Have you worked here long?" He might say, "Just since the war." And you're off and running. The click will be there. But if that's not God who brings you together, then God help you.

Shall we pray? Our Father, we thank You for the instruction of the Word of God.

Dr. John E. Danish, 1995

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